Fertilization happened in April 2006. They were already there during my capping which was the end of summer classes in early May. No wonder I felt so sick and irritable. During the break, I had been so lazy, all I did was lay away. I thought I had been so tired after all the hassle and excitement of capping. I went through the enrolment and the comprehensive exam. I felt so weak and uninterested on the first day of classes that I did not attend my classes although I woke up early for school. I stayed with my friends at our hang-out at the bus terminal but I refused to go with them to school. I went home quite disgusted with myself as I had to skip classes for no reason. It was just so good to stay in bed.
Missed period
I knew something was happening with me which I was not so sure of. I was expecting my menstruation on the second week of May but it did not come out. In June, I missed again. That was already the second month. It could be delayed as I was irregular before. I was thinking that it may be the onset of early menopausal symptoms. In the book, it says that it could happen from the 40’s and up. I have some questions however, because my menarche came late. It usually follows that menopause may happen late, too. But there are always exceptions to rules. I tried to rationalize my health state which is impeding the normal flow of my regular activities.
Mangoes and Vinegar
During that second week of May, I was in Agoo, La union, mangoes hang low from their branches. I got bowls of iloco vinegar and sat outside to escape the summer heat inside the house which was like an oven during the day. I got permission from the owners that we could pick some of the mangoes. It was so lusciously delicious. We dipped slices of the green crunchy Indian variety in vinegar like there would be no mangoes tomorrow. It was so yummy! I drank vinegar until my lips turned white and my blood felt numb with acid. Our shift was 11-7. It was so bad, I felt like quitting. I blamed the heat and my first time in hospital duty so I did not consider other possible reasons.
Pregnancy test
Finding the doctor
I went looking for the ob-gyne doctor who was affiliated with the health insurance. I was very sure of the location but I was baffled on how I could go to the next floor. I found a cramped narrow stair way on the side. Two carpenters who were working on the walls gave way for me. There were stalls right there and a sales person directed me that I go up to the next floor to find the doctor’s clinic. I did not have my eye glasses on so I had to go from stall to stall to read each business sign. At the end were dental and medical clinics and stores. The floor was creaky. It was a makeshift building where the infrastructure was not very stable. If there is an earthquake, the occupants would get trapped like mice or they jump out of the windows. The drop would be short to the session pavement as the ceilings were made not so high. I saw a pregnant woman and a baby sitting on a bench so I was pretty sure she was waiting for a prenatal check. I saw the clerk whom I asked if the doctor was in. she said I just have to wait a little bit as I would be the next. It was Dr. xxa alright. It was my first time to see her. The school nurse told me her name and the directions. Now I was in her clinic and I was wondering what to tell her.
The waiting was not long because there were no patients in line actually. I stepped inside her miniature consultation room. I had to crimp my body because of the feeling that I could not fit in. I did of course; it was just the feeling and the thought that clinics and consultation rooms should be more spacious.
Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding
After feeding her the personal information and signing the pink insurance form, I told her that I missed my period for 2 months. I had bleeding but not the regular one. I told her that I felt really bad like I was conceiving. I added, however that I usually feel that way before my period and when it gets delayed. She explained that at my age, the biological imbalances were normal. It happened because of the body’s response to aging and adjustment to the activities I was going through. She said that my theory about menopause may be right. I gave her the pregnancy test kit and she said that it was not reliable. She stressed that I could be pregnant because it is the best explanation so far for my symptoms. She directed me to her examining table and palpated my stomach. She said that she could not feel anything. As she pressed on my side however, I told her that I felt a sharp pain. It was not intense but a pain was on that spot. She advised however that I go through a lab test. An ultrasound would determine what’s happening inside my body which may be the cause of all my discomfort. I was quite perplexed with the suggestion that I could be pregnant. I reasoned out that I am one who does not get pregnant easily as I did not even use contraceptives when I was younger. I said I knew what I was doing. She said that it does not always work the normal way when one is getting old. The biorhythm changes and the organs do not function as they should be. So the release of my eggs might have been delayed or came earlier or may have stayed longer in the ovary which would cause the unexpected fertilization.
I was rationalizing too much. Inside my head, it was screaming some information which I could not face. It was very possible that I was pregnant...
But I had the bleeding. The doctor explained that my womb is already not functioning well. If I was pregnant, I might be experiencing early symptom of threatened abortion. She urged me to have the ultrasound. I asked for a medical certificate which I could present to my teachers. She gave me the paper with the diagnosis of “dysfunctional uterine bleeding”.
The Eyes of a New Born Baby
I went home by jeep after the check up as it was already noontime. Inside the jeep, I sat at the middle part. Facing me across the other seat was a mother holding her newborn baby. She held the baby across her lap in a little bundle The eyes of the baby caught my attention as he was looking intently at my direction, looking straight through me and towards my abdomen. I fidgeted on my seat. I know that the baby’s visual sense had not been fully developed yet. But his focus was just so intense. It was too innocent but at the same time, it flowed with something powerful that as if he was communicating with whoever was inside me. I felt like crying at the same time. The baby looked at me the whole time until I alighted out of the jeep. I wanted to touch him and cuddle him in my arms but the feeling that he was something else at the moment made me afraid, so I pretended to ignore him. On my way home, I could not shake off the baby’s gaze, like he was still looking at me. His eyes were so cool and mellow that at the time I was so troubled, he seemed to lighten me that left me with great awe. It reminded me of a book I have read that newborn babies have very high intelligence and they have extra special sense which they loose as they grow up and become normal human beings. That may be true. I would say that I was looking then right at the eyes of an angel who have a pure spirit, which babies may have at the time of their birth.
Herbal Tea
I wanted to feel good. I thought that if my mens would come out, I would be relieved. I remembered the herbal tea I bought from the old woman selling all sorts of herbal remedies at the side walk of Session at the junction of General Luna Road. We had an assignment on herbal preparations during my summer class in May. I went looking for a project to submit so I went there to ask for an herbal sample, how it was prepared, what it is intended for. She gave me a bag of dried leaves and told me that women usually look for it. She said it was for “pamparegla”. I was curious so I asked her if many women go to her. She laughed and she whispered that she could give me the real thing. I asked her what she was talking about and she secretly gave me a tablet. I got it and tried to read the label as it was already late in the afternoon and it was becoming dark. I held it up to catch some light. She angrily pulled my hand down and snatched the tablet out of my fingers. She said that she was selling them illegally and I was putting her in trouble. She said that if I was not interested, I must leave before somebody would see and catch her. I told her that I was only interested with the herbal plants because I needed it for a project in school. She thrust the bag of leaves to me and glaringly told me the name and prize. She said hastily that I just have to boil it like any other tea. I paid for it then left. I put the bag of leaves inside the cupboard and forgot about it. I thought that the leaves were not presentable. It was colored black already and they were crumbling. It did not smell so good and appeared so unhygienic. I presented another kind of tea which the manangs from the kitchen gave me.
I remembered the pamparegla tea in the cupboard. I was not so confident what it could do to me so I researched from the herbal books. It was the leaves of mansanilla”. These are the pungent smelling flowers that abundantly grow everywhere. There was no harm trying it so I boiled some leaves and drank the brew.. It was not bad.
“Ma’am you have a baby!”
In the afternoon, I went to the hospital. I secured a pink form from the coordinator of the insurance. She asked if I was pregnant and I responded, “No” as I was not yet sure at the moment. She said that any medical intervention related with pregnancy is not covered by the insurance. She said that since the charge for ultrasound is more than five hundred pesos, she had to secure for approval at the main office in Manila. We waited as she called by long distance, got a positive response, filled up the paper then gave them to us. I went to the ultrasound clinic. There were 2 clients in line before me. I waited for my turn. I heard the woman before me complaining that they could not conduct the ultrasound on her. She was saying that her husband was overseas so why would she go through it. The staff looked annoyed and baffled while explaining that that was the doctor’s order. It is her responsibility if she would not submit to the lab test. She went out so it was my turn. The staff was still talking about the other woman’s reason for not having the ultrasound. They were saying that maybe she was pregnant and did not want her companions with her to know her condition as her husband was abroad. It was pure intrigue and I myself got immersed thinking about my personal circumstance. I approached them and it was only then that they stopped talking about the woman. They asked me to prepare myself. I seem not to know what to do. Maybe the intern noticed my apprehensions and directed me to the bathroom. She said that I should poo and pee first so the ultrasound would be more reliable. She said that I remove my lower garments including my panty. She gave me a towel to drape myself. I did as I was told. I could not however do number 2 in another toilet so I just peed, removed my pants and panty, draped my self with the towel, then went to lie down at the bed with my legs propped up. One intern came in. As she was lubricating the noozle, she was asking her companion if she got some of the Kelly gel home again. Funny. She told me to exhale deeply as she put in the noozle at my vaginal canal. Shock run through me because of the cold gel and metal. She said that I relax as she would do it gently. She started probing inside. There was a pain and I told her to be more careful. She said that she was. She explained that I may have some abnormalities inside which caused the pain. And then she blurted out “Ma’am you have a baby!” I was actually so stunned that my world seemed to stand still. She was saying other things but I could not hear her. It was like being hit so hard that I instantly lost my consciousness. I heard myself saying, “It could not be, I am already 43 years old.” I seemed to be a different person in that examination bed. As if I was looking at another pregnant woman. I could not believe I was pregnant again. Emotions flooded my whole body but on top of them all, there was that joy of having a baby again. My maternal instinct and love triumphed. I was just so happy that there was a baby inside me. I wanted to peep at the monitor as if I could see a full grown baby right there. All I wanted to see was a face. I was having an emotional turmoil. Then I heard the intern asking me if I have a family history of twins. I was perplexed as I answered that there were no multiple births in my family that I know of. a niece had twins but we thought that maybe she got it from the family of the father of her babies. The intern said that she was seeing another embryo but it was so faint and she was not sure if it had a heartbeat. She was making a big deal out of it because she said that the embryos’ sacs were adjacent to each other or it maybe that they were connected. She called her companions. I lay there like a guinea pig under study with my legs spread and vagina opened for scrutiny. Two of her companions came and they were congratulating me for the baby. They were so happy and excited. One was saying that it was so good for me to have a baby even in my 40’s, unlike her that she do not yet have one. She wanted a baby so badly. Then they talked by themselves as they tried to analyze my uterus on the monitor. They could not make out what was there. I told them that I was getting uncomfortable. They apologized and said that they were not sure of their findings. That freaked me out. While I was happy with the pregnancy, I also have thoughts that I was carrying some abnormalities. Everything became hazy after the lab test. I could not even remember now how I got dressed, and got out of that room. All I know was that I could not tell anyone I was pregnant. Maybe, I was, too in denial. Deep inside, I still did not believe that there was a baby inside me. I tried to shake it off until we were home. I was feeling worse so I went straight to my bed and rest.
Talking to my Babies
At night, I held my tummy tight and started talking to my babies. I just know there were two. I told them about my fears of being pregnant again. I said that they came when I was already quite old. I was having a hard time with them. I cupped them in my hands and told them I loved them. They just have to be more patient and help me. I went to sleep with so much relief that I have accepted them in me and I could feel them so peaceful inside my womb. I woke up to pee and found a dark discharge in my underwear. It rattled me. The pregnancy was not at all normal. It was my fifth pregnancy so I knew what was normal with me.
LifeStories 2006. Reposting, as found.
Photos: Fred's album 2010
Missed period
Mangoes and Vinegar
Pregnancy test
I was expecting the regular flowing of my mens. I had spotting so somehow I knew I was bleeding. I had it in May and in June but in sporadic instances which I could no longer remember. A thought came to me that I could be pregnant. That was a possibility but it was so remote. In the past, I didn’t use contraceptives because I could handle it in the natural way. I however, decided that it would not hurt to try the instant pregnancy test. I went to buy a test kit at Watson’s in SM. I kept it at the farthest compartment of my bag like it was a bomb which could explode on me anytime. I could not wait to open it. I used it in the morning when I had my first urine. My pee splashed all over the container. It was quite messy but I knew I have to go through it for the benefit of the doubt. I seem not to understand the instruction as the kit was different with the one I had used before with the kids. It looked very inefficient. I dipped the tester as instructed but nothing happened. Maybe I was not following the instruction right so I immersed the whole tester. I made out three faint pink bars. If negative, there should be one, positive would be 2 bars. But I was seeing 3 bars. Very confusing for me. I actually threw the whole kit on the trash basket but retrieved them again and put them inside a ziplock bag just in case.
Finding the doctor
I went looking for the ob-gyne doctor who was affiliated with the health insurance. I was very sure of the location but I was baffled on how I could go to the next floor. I found a cramped narrow stair way on the side. Two carpenters who were working on the walls gave way for me. There were stalls right there and a sales person directed me that I go up to the next floor to find the doctor’s clinic. I did not have my eye glasses on so I had to go from stall to stall to read each business sign. At the end were dental and medical clinics and stores. The floor was creaky. It was a makeshift building where the infrastructure was not very stable. If there is an earthquake, the occupants would get trapped like mice or they jump out of the windows. The drop would be short to the session pavement as the ceilings were made not so high. I saw a pregnant woman and a baby sitting on a bench so I was pretty sure she was waiting for a prenatal check. I saw the clerk whom I asked if the doctor was in. she said I just have to wait a little bit as I would be the next. It was Dr. xxa alright. It was my first time to see her. The school nurse told me her name and the directions. Now I was in her clinic and I was wondering what to tell her.
The waiting was not long because there were no patients in line actually. I stepped inside her miniature consultation room. I had to crimp my body because of the feeling that I could not fit in. I did of course; it was just the feeling and the thought that clinics and consultation rooms should be more spacious.
Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding
I was rationalizing too much. Inside my head, it was screaming some information which I could not face. It was very possible that I was pregnant...
But I had the bleeding. The doctor explained that my womb is already not functioning well. If I was pregnant, I might be experiencing early symptom of threatened abortion. She urged me to have the ultrasound. I asked for a medical certificate which I could present to my teachers. She gave me the paper with the diagnosis of “dysfunctional uterine bleeding”.
The Eyes of a New Born Baby
Herbal Tea
I remembered the pamparegla tea in the cupboard. I was not so confident what it could do to me so I researched from the herbal books. It was the leaves of mansanilla”. These are the pungent smelling flowers that abundantly grow everywhere. There was no harm trying it so I boiled some leaves and drank the brew.. It was not bad.
“Ma’am you have a baby!”
In the afternoon, I went to the hospital. I secured a pink form from the coordinator of the insurance. She asked if I was pregnant and I responded, “No” as I was not yet sure at the moment. She said that any medical intervention related with pregnancy is not covered by the insurance. She said that since the charge for ultrasound is more than five hundred pesos, she had to secure for approval at the main office in Manila. We waited as she called by long distance, got a positive response, filled up the paper then gave them to us. I went to the ultrasound clinic. There were 2 clients in line before me. I waited for my turn. I heard the woman before me complaining that they could not conduct the ultrasound on her. She was saying that her husband was overseas so why would she go through it. The staff looked annoyed and baffled while explaining that that was the doctor’s order. It is her responsibility if she would not submit to the lab test. She went out so it was my turn. The staff was still talking about the other woman’s reason for not having the ultrasound. They were saying that maybe she was pregnant and did not want her companions with her to know her condition as her husband was abroad. It was pure intrigue and I myself got immersed thinking about my personal circumstance. I approached them and it was only then that they stopped talking about the woman. They asked me to prepare myself. I seem not to know what to do. Maybe the intern noticed my apprehensions and directed me to the bathroom. She said that I should poo and pee first so the ultrasound would be more reliable. She said that I remove my lower garments including my panty. She gave me a towel to drape myself. I did as I was told. I could not however do number 2 in another toilet so I just peed, removed my pants and panty, draped my self with the towel, then went to lie down at the bed with my legs propped up. One intern came in. As she was lubricating the noozle, she was asking her companion if she got some of the Kelly gel home again. Funny. She told me to exhale deeply as she put in the noozle at my vaginal canal. Shock run through me because of the cold gel and metal. She said that I relax as she would do it gently. She started probing inside. There was a pain and I told her to be more careful. She said that she was. She explained that I may have some abnormalities inside which caused the pain. And then she blurted out “Ma’am you have a baby!” I was actually so stunned that my world seemed to stand still. She was saying other things but I could not hear her. It was like being hit so hard that I instantly lost my consciousness. I heard myself saying, “It could not be, I am already 43 years old.” I seemed to be a different person in that examination bed. As if I was looking at another pregnant woman. I could not believe I was pregnant again. Emotions flooded my whole body but on top of them all, there was that joy of having a baby again. My maternal instinct and love triumphed. I was just so happy that there was a baby inside me. I wanted to peep at the monitor as if I could see a full grown baby right there. All I wanted to see was a face. I was having an emotional turmoil. Then I heard the intern asking me if I have a family history of twins. I was perplexed as I answered that there were no multiple births in my family that I know of. a niece had twins but we thought that maybe she got it from the family of the father of her babies. The intern said that she was seeing another embryo but it was so faint and she was not sure if it had a heartbeat. She was making a big deal out of it because she said that the embryos’ sacs were adjacent to each other or it maybe that they were connected. She called her companions. I lay there like a guinea pig under study with my legs spread and vagina opened for scrutiny. Two of her companions came and they were congratulating me for the baby. They were so happy and excited. One was saying that it was so good for me to have a baby even in my 40’s, unlike her that she do not yet have one. She wanted a baby so badly. Then they talked by themselves as they tried to analyze my uterus on the monitor. They could not make out what was there. I told them that I was getting uncomfortable. They apologized and said that they were not sure of their findings. That freaked me out. While I was happy with the pregnancy, I also have thoughts that I was carrying some abnormalities. Everything became hazy after the lab test. I could not even remember now how I got dressed, and got out of that room. All I know was that I could not tell anyone I was pregnant. Maybe, I was, too in denial. Deep inside, I still did not believe that there was a baby inside me. I tried to shake it off until we were home. I was feeling worse so I went straight to my bed and rest.
At night, I held my tummy tight and started talking to my babies. I just know there were two. I told them about my fears of being pregnant again. I said that they came when I was already quite old. I was having a hard time with them. I cupped them in my hands and told them I loved them. They just have to be more patient and help me. I went to sleep with so much relief that I have accepted them in me and I could feel them so peaceful inside my womb. I woke up to pee and found a dark discharge in my underwear. It rattled me. The pregnancy was not at all normal. It was my fifth pregnancy so I knew what was normal with me.
LifeStories 2006. Reposting, as found.
Photos: Fred's album 2010